And I feel like a blithering idiot

Posted: July 31, 2010 in ramblings, this is me

I’m not sure whether anyone should read this. But still I want to post this, because this post will show everyone what I am. It may be offensive to many people and may sound whiny to some, but this is the truth.

I don’t have any specific ambition. I don’t wana be the CEO of some company, or to be bigger than someone. I don’t want to be some person who is responsible for every freaking thing in the world. I don’t want to be the person who everyone bows to or is friends with. For those of you who ask, I don’t know why..

The second thing I hate about me?.. I don’t love anyone enough. This may sound cruel really, but I’m gonna explain this one. I am not PASSIONATE about anything. About my job, about my parents, about my country, about God.. you get the idea. I don’t want to give the wrong impression, I love them, its just that I don’t feel like shouting out my affection.. other than for the bf, that is. Just saying this makes me feel hypocritic, but trust me, he is the guy who I’ve loved with complete abandon, and who has never delivered affections to me the same way I have. Its been 3 years since I’m with him, and he says he cannot express his feelings. But I’m selfish. I need to hear I Love You 3489 times a day and get million hugs, which never happens. It just never happens. And its not that he doesn’t love me. He freakin doesn’t SHOW it! And now you know where my crazy is coming from.

Third and the final thing I will bother with today.. I CANNOT, CANNOT maintain relationships. Every relationship I have ever had has ended badly, either with me sad or the other..(most of the times its me). And for no fault of mine.. no really, for no fault of mine. EVER!! And I’m not that ugly looking, and I’m not a child-tormentor or a hateful person. Im quite normal, actually. And they always come back crawling, but for friendship. talking of friendship, I cannot maintain those relationships either. I have very few friends.. wait.. no actually.. none, I guess. Sure, they text me and everything, but they are not the friends I want to talk to about bad days.

 Yeah, I know this post is weird, whiny and long, but this is all I can come up with right now. So, for the time being, this is what I leave you with.

  1. Diana says:

    Hey Thanks for visiting my other blog! I actually have three tattoos…the new one is a Horse Shoe and a Feather that represent my family last name and my new married last name….my husband and I both got it together! My other ones are a butterfly with a heart center and a pisces symbol! 🙂

    Sometimes we just need to rant and get things out of our system. It sounds like you are still learning about yourself and thats ok. I think we learn about ourselves every day but sometimes it takes time to learn what we really want from ourselves and what we want from life. Sometimes taking a nice bath or a nice walk helps me clear my head! Have a good day.

  2. diana,
    thanks for the nice advice.. and I really would love to see your tats!!and the you and ur husband getting it together is swoonworthy!!!

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