WHO WILL STAND AT MY BEDSIDE WHEN I AM DEAD?

Posted: August 9, 2010 in Uncategorized

I know, morbid title. But this is the only thing going on in my mind. And Taylor swift on my laptop. So yes, I’m feeling very alone and lonely. And I’m feeling lonely for the guy who doesn’t care whether I live or die. Strange, seeing that I agreed to move to a strange town, to work with a company I detest, just to be here when he is here. He thinks it is a good career move for me, but frankly, I couldn’t care less. I’m here just so he doesn’t miss me when he came to Bangalore. I didn’t realise that his career is much more important to him than I am. Always has, always will. But, even I’m becoming ‘dark and twisty’. I’m confused as to what is happening. Why doesn’t he miss me with the same intensity I do? Does he even love me? I was thin, beautiful, shy, innocent and many such things when he started loving me, now I’m not any one of these things but he’s still with me, in a way. But what is the reason for him staying with me? From afar, when he doesn’t even miss me? Is it love? Or is it plain habit? Or is it the fear of letting someone go? I don’t want him to cling on to me just because I’m a stupid habit. I don’t want to be someone’s habit, or relic. If he’s not happy, he needs to let go. Because I’m not strong enough to let him go. He is the first man I’ve ever kissed, the first man I have slept with, and the first man with whom I’ve grown and felt myself mature. The first man whom I’ve given my heart with abandon. The first man with whom I’ve managed a relationship for so long. Whereas, I’m not the first girl in his life whom he kissed and given his heart to. She left him, and if I do the same thing, he will compare us both. I don’t want that to happen. I’m not her. I want him, but I can’t have him.

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