Archive for the ‘this is me’ Category

missin life

Posted: September 20, 2010 in sad and lonely, this is me

I’m feeling quite unhinged today. I’m missing the small nuances of life. I was just talking to someone regarding festivals and I started missing my family pretty badly. Doesn’t happen to me much, though it hit me today that it has been three years since I saw my complete family together. Quite disturbing, I must say. Actually, there is a festival named durga puja which used to be a huge family event every year. That festival is just around the corner. Its not that I haven’t met my family in these 3 years, but I haven’t seen them together. My mum and sis live together in Kolkata and my dad lives in another city where he’s working. I live in Bangalore, which is really very far off for any of them to travel. Moreover, I stay in a PG, so I cannot invite them to stay with me. So, even though I have a job, and am kind of busy, I do miss my family.. I want to see us all together, just once.

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I’m not sure whether anyone should read this. But still I want to post this, because this post will show everyone what I am. It may be offensive to many people and may sound whiny to some, but this is the truth.

I don’t have any specific ambition. I don’t wana be the CEO of some company, or to be bigger than someone. I don’t want to be some person who is responsible for every freaking thing in the world. I don’t want to be the person who everyone bows to or is friends with. For those of you who ask, I don’t know why..

The second thing I hate about me?.. I don’t love anyone enough. This may sound cruel really, but I’m gonna explain this one. I am not PASSIONATE about anything. About my job, about my parents, about my country, about God.. you get the idea. I don’t want to give the wrong impression, I love them, its just that I don’t feel like shouting out my affection.. other than for the bf, that is. Just saying this makes me feel hypocritic, but trust me, he is the guy who I’ve loved with complete abandon, and who has never delivered affections to me the same way I have. Its been 3 years since I’m with him, and he says he cannot express his feelings. But I’m selfish. I need to hear I Love You 3489 times a day and get million hugs, which never happens. It just never happens. And its not that he doesn’t love me. He freakin doesn’t SHOW it! And now you know where my crazy is coming from.

Third and the final thing I will bother with today.. I CANNOT, CANNOT maintain relationships. Every relationship I have ever had has ended badly, either with me sad or the other..(most of the times its me). And for no fault of mine.. no really, for no fault of mine. EVER!! And I’m not that ugly looking, and I’m not a child-tormentor or a hateful person. Im quite normal, actually. And they always come back crawling, but for friendship. talking of friendship, I cannot maintain those relationships either. I have very few friends.. wait.. no actually.. none, I guess. Sure, they text me and everything, but they are not the friends I want to talk to about bad days.

 Yeah, I know this post is weird, whiny and long, but this is all I can come up with right now. So, for the time being, this is what I leave you with.